My Family Narrative

I was reading The Family Stories That Bind Us on The New York Time website. It's a very interesting article about how the single most important thing you can do for your family is develop a strong family narrative. It makes people more resilient and can help moderate the effects of stress.

If you want a happier family, create, refine and retell the story of your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones. That act alone may increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to come. 

My family has a lot of stories to tell and I always found it fascinating when they would point out the houses they grew up in and show me grave sites of loved ones long gone. We are close with our extended family, so hearing stories about my cousins were usually pretty entertaining. While digging through a box of my dad's stuff I came across letters my grandma had written my grandpa. Dad once found the boat ticket his grandparents used to come across the ocean and into North America. It all makes me so proud and curious to know more about who I am and where I come from.

I've always claimed my journals are my legacy. For the last 2 years my journal writing has been sporadic at best. I really want to get back into it and start writing every day because Tesla is growing so fast and I don't want to forget anything. But I also want to do something else; something bigger - an anthology.

With the help of family, I want to start writing a never-ending project. I want to record as many stories as I can about our family. My grandmother is alive and well and I have no idea how she met Grandpa. I once asked her over Chinese food why she said yes to his proposal and her response was, "Well, he was a very nice boy."

My mother spearheaded this family cookbook filled with old recipes from all the cousins on the Creek side of the family. It also included stories about how my great-grandparents came to Canada and how life on the farm was back in the day as recounted by their children who are almost all dead now. That cookbook is an amazing piece of  my family's history and is a story in itself.

There's a lot more holes in the history of my father's family. Sadly, most of my father's family is either dead or estranged. My father tells me stories of his childhood and I try very hard to listen carefully and remember as much as I can. Grandpa and Great-Grandma used to tell him stories and he said he never really paid attention and he regrets that now. Those stories are lost forever.

I want to get stories from Bob's side of the family too. After all, he's pretty much my husband and I want Tesla to know about her paternal roots too. Even though none of Bob's grandparents remain, I'm sure his parents and uncle would be able to remember at least some stories.

The great thing about this anthology is that it will be enjoyed by everybody in the family who is alive right now and who is yet to be born. The older we get and the thicker the anthology grows, the more valuable it will become, especially when family members start passing on. It's this huge team project where everybody in the family is working toward a common goal. I want Tesla to know who her family is and where she comes from. I also want to be able to remember where I come from too.

Crying Like A Baby

There are many reasons why children cry. Excluding injuries, I think hunger, exhaustion, and frustration rank at the top. Then there's all those other times where tears seem illogical or exaggerated based on the situation, yet there they are.

I was reading this article about how society deals with children who cry. The general consensus is that crying is bad and if it can't be avoided, we should do what we can to make it stop as soon as possible. This is not a healthy way to deal with the issue of crying though.

When a toddler is crying and yelling mine because his little cousin who came over for a visit starts playing with his toys, the mother's first response is usually to scold, encourage her son to share, and then distract with some other toy. This is a "wrong" response because the boy is being encouraged to bottle up his feelings and he's also being told his feelings don't matter.

Instead, the mother should vocalize her son's feelings for him. You are upset because Billy is playing with your toys. You do not like to share your toys. This validates what the boy is feeling and gives words to his feelings. It may not make him stop crying faster and he still has to share, but it's okay to cry. Someone's touching his stuff and that's stressful. I absolutely hate it when people touch my stuff without asking, so I can see where this little boy's coming from.

A little girl starts crying because her mom is leaving for work. The father's first response is to make it seem like it's not a big deal and may say things like, Oh don't worry, Mommy will be back later. And then offer a distraction like a special treat or her favourite toy. This is a "wrong" response too. The father is trivializing his daughter's feelings.

Instead, the father should vocalize her feelings for her. You are sad because Mommy is leaving and you are going to miss her when she's gone. Again, this just puts into words what she's thinking and validates what she's feeling. It's okay to miss a person when they leave and it's not silly at all.

Personally speaking, I've missed a person so much I've cried and if someone had said to me, It's okay Chelsea, you'll see them again soon, I probably would have dropped an F-bomb because we both know that's not the point. Children also know that's not the point.

We can all agree it's okay to cry and it's a perfectly healthy way to express yourself, yet we're always trying to get kids to stop crying when really, they probably should just cry and release those endorphines. As adults, we can control our emotions much easier than children, (usually.) We fight back tears so we can cry in private, embarrassed to let others see us in such a state because then we'd feel stupid. That's what we were taught to do. If our generation of parents had vocalized our feelings for us instead of trying to shut us up all the time, I bet we'd all be more open with our emotions today.

It's hard to change the way you think and speak, but I really liked that article and I want to adopt this sort of speech to replace the things I currently say to my daughter and the daycare kids when they cry.

Milestones

I hate researching milestones because it makes me depressed and anxious about my baby if she isn't meeting them, plus I also feel really pressured to "help" her meet all these milestones. She is almost 32 weeks old ie 7 months old and I decided to look up where she should be at because I haven't done it in a couple months.

Of all the great things she's accomplished in her short life, it's never enough is it?

• She can feed herself real food. She swallows it.
• She's been putting herself to sleep and sleeping through the night for 4 months now.
• She can roll all over the place and rolls over to things she wants.
• She also reaches for things she wants.
• She can follow sound, movement, and turns when you say her name.
• She loves jumping.
• She loves being read to and sung to, and Bob and I do it several times daily.
• She can sit unassisted for less than a minute, longer if there's a toy in front of her to lean on.
• She can squeal, laugh, blow raspberries, and roll her R's.

BUT She can't crawl and she doesn't babble. My baby is obviously doomed to live out her sub-par life as a homeless person slash failure because her parents didn't spend enough time with her teaching and helping her grow.

Alright, that's probably a bit excessive. All babies develop at their own pace and these are just guidelines blah blah bah. Still... it does make me feel guilty because I am a stay at home mom and I should be dedicating my whole day to my baby, spending every waking second with her, playing educational games and encouraging her brain development through a variety of stimulating activities. That's what all stay at home moms do right? (lol)

Running the daycare does take time away from Tesla. I have to play with everybody and because Tesla is such a content and quiet baby, it's easy to pass over her and focus on the kid screaming PAY WIT MEE! PAY WIT MEE!

But today I took a stand in an effort to spend more time with my daughter and really focus on getting that crawling and babbling thing going. Mornings are now dedicated to playing with only Tesla. The daycare kids can amuse themselves or play with Tesla too. It's only for 90 minutes. When she goes down for her morning nap I'll focus on the other kids.

I know there's nothing wrong with Tesla, like, she's not autistic or anything. And she was premature, if that still counts for anything. Some kids just never crawl. As far as the babbling goes - she's always been a quiet baby, hardly crying or making any noises really. She has gone ba-ba-ba on occasion, but perhaps the lack of babbling is an extension of that.

Deep Cleaning My Bank Account

Yesterday I lost my mind and spent my paycheque on a Bissel ProHeat® Deep Cleaning System plus a big bottle of carpet cleaning solution. I went into Canadian Tire to try to find this foaming carpet broom thing to clean the carpets. It's like, thirty bucks. I think Resolve makes one. I had bought one before. It's designed so you can spray the carpet cleaning foam and brush it in at the same time and it has a long handle. You wait for it to dry and then vacuum. Easy.

Except apparently they don't exist anymore and I can't find this thing anywhere.

Yesterday Tesla puked so much, I had to change my outfit twice and hers about 6 times. The carpet was disgusting. I gave up on it. She'd puke on it and I was like, fuck it, I don't care anymore. I'm sick of cleaning it. Baby puke stains a bright orange colour too. We have a can of Resolve with a brush on it so you can do spot cleans, but I always miss spots and it didn't even work the last time I pulled it out.

Anyway, I wanted to clean the whole carpet. I couldn't find this Resolve broom thing I wanted. I couldn't find anything similar. Then I saw the Bissell.

For just $200 this amazing deep cleaning machine could be mine! And it was.

Once we moved everything off the floor that we could and vacuumed as best we could with our cheap vacuum, I got to work deep cleaning. It took me an hour. I had to change out the water twice and I didn't even get the whole hallway done. The amount of cat hair pulled up with disgusting. I had to pull out my vacuum and suck it up as I went along because there was so much of it.

In the morning I vacuumed again and sucked up more hair and dirt. The carpet had a nice, crunchy yet soft texture when I walked on it. It looked very clean and new.

Forty-five minutes after Tesla got up this morning she puked on the carpet. Sigh. I can't even be mad. I knew it was coming.

It's recommended that carpet in high traffic areas, exposed to multiple pets and large families, should be deep cleaned every 2-3 months. That's my carpet. Thinking of the cost of professionally deep cleaning my carpet 6 times a year, this Bissel I bought will pay for itself before the year is through. A clean carpet doesn't pay my overdue Visa bill though and I really should have thought ahead before making such an expensive and impulsive purchase.

I'm Probably Dying

I think I'm depressed or something. Tomorrow I will have had 5 days off in a row and I was sick, sick, sick, for all of them. Why do I always get sick during long weekends? It's just not fair.

Day in and day out I'm confined to these 4 white walls never able to do anything about it. I finally get nearly a week off and I'm stuck at home anyway because I'm too sick to leave the house! I just can't believe it.

None of the house work got done over the weekend. I still feel too weak to clean up much. I slept about 2 hours total last night and I'm not going to get any sleep during the day today for obvious reasons.

My sinus's are killing me and it's hard to breathe. I've gone through 3 boxes of tissues. My ears are ringing, my whole body aches, especially my head and neck. Last night I was sweating one minute, shivering the next. My thirst has been unquenchable for days. My skin, eyes, lips, and mouth are bone dry. I actually woke up with no saliva in my mouth this morning. I could barely swallow. I felt feverish, but didn't have a fever.

I loathe taking pills, but I've tried sinus medication, ibuprofen, expired ephedrine, and herbal sleeping pills. Nothing has worked. I cried for hours last night, exhausted, and a little scared. It felt like I was dying. That feeling of not getting enough air is really freaky.

Tesla's so easygoing, she'll jump in her exersaucer for hours, but I feel guilty ignoring her all day. I'm doing less than the bare minimum. She's fed and in a clean diaper, but that's all I've got. She actually took her morning nap on the living room floor because I didn't have the energy to go through the whole routine properly of reading a story, singing a song, rocking, and placing in her crib with the mobile on. When she started fussing to be put down for her nap, I threw a throw blanket on her and she eventually put herself to sleep.

I can't be like this for when the daycare kids come on Wednesday. I've got 30 hours to rid my body of all toxins and heal myself of this horrible illness.