Saturday, August 16, 2014


Around 5 weeks ago I started feeling slightly depressed. I had 2 panic attacks. I was feeling irritable, I was crying about dumb stuff, and was feeling overwhelmed by all that had to be done. But I was still able to (mostly) keep on top of all that needed to be done. I blamed the pregnancy for my mood swings at first, but soon I could tell it was more than just the pregnancy.

Last week I quit my canvassing job. It was becoming too physical and the canvassing season was about to end anyway. Coincidentally, I have had no daycare kids this week either as the family is on vacation and won't be back until the end of August. I thought that my stress would go down, since I'd have less to do, but my stress has actually skyrocketed. My manageable depression has become unmanageable.

I don't clean. I cook once every couple days. Getting dressed and self care is hit and miss. My appetite is lower. My patience is lower. I just want to sleep or have quiet time in front of a screen and live in a bubble where I cannot be bothered.

Taking care of Tesla is incredibly taxing. She wants to play outside, to be read to, to be played with, talked to... I can't. I would love to, but at the same time, I really don't want to at all. I don't want to deal with her. I'm not even taking care of myself properly, how am I supposed to take care of a toddler? Thankfully my mom takes her once a week, usually overnight, and it's something Tesla and I both look forward to.

My psychiatrist is currently on vacation, so I hope to see her as soon as she comes back. I told my gyno about how I was feeling and she wants this addressed as soon as possible given my history. I feel very unhappy and useless, especially since I haven't been working.

I've made it pretty well known that I hate being pregnant. But, I am looking forward to raising this baby and I am looking forward to giving birth. I'm getting along with all of my friends and family and have been keeping up with my correspondences. A bunch of special events are coming up soon that I'm looking forward to attending. For once, money isn't an issue. There's lots of stuff I'm happy and excited about. I don't know why I feel this way and it's frustrating to feel like shit and to not have a good reason, or any reason for that matter.

And I think the worst part is not knowing how to push through it or how to get motivated to at least try to give a damn. I don't care about accountability. My psychiatrist has always been very good at helping me take off my blinders and see things in a new way. Who knows when I'll get an appointment with her though. It could take months. I can't wait that long!

I know about all the stuff that I "should" do to help myself, this is not my first rodeo, but it's still really hard to follow through on my own. I still want and need someone to hold my hand and coach me through it. Unfortunately, the person I want to have help me the most has never been good at that sort of thing, pleads ignorance all the time, and often practices avoidance strategies in order to not have to deal with me. You probably think that sounded a tad bitter, and maybe I am a little bit, but it is what it is. I'm trying to accept it and get over it.

I can't hardly wait for this year to end. I'm sick of summer. I'm fed up with pregnancy. I just want to get on with the next phase of my life already.