Genderless Dolls

This morning the kids pulled out the Barbie and Ken dolls to play with. The almost-two year old was frustrated because he found a dress he liked, but it wouldn't fit on his Ken doll he'd picked out. Trying to promote my feminist values, I wanted to choose my words carefully.

"That dress is too small for your doll. You'll have to find something bigger."

But after repeatedly picking out "girl clothes" for his Ken to wear, I found myself finally saying, "No, that dress only fits a girl doll. You need to find some boy clothes." As true as it was for the situation, I hated saying that. I hate saying something is only for a girl and something else is only for a boy. Specifically when talking about my daughter, I want her to believe that it doesn't matter what you wear or what you want to play with.

So, it got me thinking. Do sexually ambiguous dolls exist? Are there dolls out there that, depending on how a child styles them, they could be either a boy or a girl. I'm envisioning a young face with no make-up and no hair. The child can pick out a "wig" and there would be girlish clothes and boyish clothes to choose from to form an outfit that's feminine or masculine or somewhere in between.

Dolls are almost never given a penis or a vagina anyway. Why not let the kids decide who they're playing with? Why set so many limitations?

I didn't find anything on the internet, but if anyone sees anything, let me know. I would love to create a prototype, but I don't sew, I don't have any money, and I wouldn't know where to begin in creating something like this. But I do think it's a million dollar idea! Child-gender issues are only getting hotter!

What It Means To Be Grateful

Someone posed a question in a forum about daycare food going to waste; If uneaten food goes in the trash, what's the difference if the child had eaten it instead? Isn't eaten food wasted food too?

A bunch of people agreed with the poster for some reason, but I just can't wrap my head around that. Food is fuel for the body. If you filled your car up with exactly enough gas to get somewhere, but found you didn't use it all, would you save it for later, or would you dump it out because "it's gas you would have used anyway"? That's not economical at all!

Wasted food makes me sad. Bob worked hard to pay for that food and when something forgotten in the back of the fridge grows mold, or a box of whatever in the cupboard goes stale, that's a waste of money too. That food could have provided me with energy and nutrition, and now I have to go out and get more of it. And when perfectly good food gets thrown out instead of eaten, well that feels worse than chucking something expired. At least with the expired food I had intended to try and eat it.

The kicker is that I don't really like eating leftovers. I do it because I can't afford not to and I see the value in making meals ahead of time, or preparing extra food at supper for lunch the next day. Foods I'm not keen on eating again I give to Bob and Tesla or the daycare kids. And if they don't eat it... well, it's food I would have thrown out anyway, so it doesn't hurt the same way as throwing out food I would have eaten.

We're such a rich country, children (and probably some adults too) living here can't fathom what it means to go without. It's only those who take their excess for granted that waste. (So, pretty much everyone living in the western part of the world.) I think of all those people in the Philippines who have nothing right now, and I do feel a bit guilty for having access to so much, wasting food, wasting water. I can't help but feel removed from the situation, since it's so unlikely that would ever happen to us in Canada.

But I'm not the type of parent that gives the "there are starving children in the Philippines and Africa and China that would love to eat what's on your plate!" speech. So send it to them! I would tell my father when he would yammer on about Africa. I thought it was such a stupid saying growing up and I didn't understand it. I didn't know what it meant to be grateful.

That all changed when I was an adult. Not because I had pay for and prepare my own food, but because of a holocaust survivor's presentation about his life. When I was working at CBC I went to his presentation he was giving to a group of high school students. During the war he and his family had to live under a crawl space and they rarely got to get out. They had nothing to eat but rotten onions for months on end. Every day, raw, rotten onions to eat. He hated onions. He said he would have eaten anything, anything else but an onion if he had the chance. He would go to sleep and dream he could have a tall glass of cool, refreshing water to drink, all for himself. They were all so thirsty and hungry and cramped, just trying to stay alive and fight off illness.

His story was so powerful, it was hard not to cry.  That stupid saying... there are starving children in the world that would love to eat what you have... it finally made sense to me in that moment.

I can't wait until Tesla's old enough to understand that story. Just because we can and do waste food, doesn't mean we should or that it's okay. Remembrance Day combined with the disaster in the Philippines has me thinking extra hard about all the things I'm thankful for. We're all privileged. Let's not forget that.

Time-Outs & Time-Ins

After having a very frustrating day dealing with an impossibly defiant child, I decided that I needed to reevaluate my discipline techniques and possibly make some changes. As children grow and evolve, caregivers should recognize, rethink, and respond. I've had too many power struggles this week, all of which could have been avoided had I just done something differently.

Currently I have a couple ways of dealing with unacceptable behavior. First and foremost I ask the child to please stop doing whatever it is they are doing and I give a reason why. Or if it's a house rule that has been broken, I will ask the child if that type of behavior is allowed at Chelsea's house. The answer is always no, of course, but cheeky children like to smile and say yes. From there, they're either redirected to a new activity, a different part of the play area, or in some cases, a Time-Out.

I love using redirection. It doesn't usually evoke those strong tantrum feelings that issuing a Time-Out does. It's so simple and it feels mostly positive. I'm giving the child an alternative, not an order and the child often has some say in it. The problem I have with redirection is that if it doesn't work, I have to take things to the next level, and there are some instances where redirection isn't appropriate.

At Chelsea's house, you get one warning to try and correct your behavior yourself. I firmly believe that the more warnings and chances you give a child, the more and more chances and warnings you'll have to give in the long run and you won't actually make any progress. Imagine your city's by-law stated that a police officer could pull you over for speeding and give you a warning 3-5 times at his discretion before issuing a ticket. At what point would you minimize your speeding? Do you see where I'm going with this? Kids are playing roulette wondering how many times they can get away with something before somebody steps in and actually hands out a ticket.

After one warning the toy or activity is taken away or cleaned up, or a Time-Out is issued. In this house, defiance and not listening are the two biggest problems. I can't redirect a child who isn't following instructions. There's no toy to take away when a child is acting defiant. The best I can do is offer a choice and let the children choose for themselves what happens next, but sometimes I need to pull rank and make an executive decision. Time-Out is the only option left it seems. But lately it feels like I'm using it too much.

So, I started researching Time-Ins. It is a place that is slightly away from others and it's purpose is to help a child learn how to calm down by themselves. The best uses for it are for when a child is having a tantrum, a child is feeling emotional, a child is frustrated, or a child just generally needs to take a break before they explode. The Time-In is equipped with a big sitting pillow and a box of sensory items to help a child get back to being calm. Things I've read include snow globes, stress balls, odd shaped or textured balls, stuffed animals, little books, container of rice and spoon for digging, mirror, crayons and paper, rubix cube, pin-wheels, bubbles, something to smell like a candle, or even an ipod to listen to relaxing music or a book on tape.

I love this idea so much and I do plan on adding it to my arsenal! But I'll be honest, I sort of have my doubts. The majority of my issues with the kids are listening/calmly defiant ones, not emotional/aggressive ones. Does a child who says in a strong, firm voice, NO, when I ask to clean up the toys need a Time-In or a Time-Out? Does a child who ignores me when I try speaking to them about their behavior deserve a Time-In or a Time-Out? Does a child who doesn't listen to instructions after being asked twice need a Time-In or a Time-Out? It's not so cut and dry.

I understand the long-term psychological advantages of using a Time-In over a Time-Out in certain instances, but for my specific plight, I'm still confused. Time-Out is supposed to be a brief withdrawal from attention to calm down and reflect. Time-In can be preventative, should last as long as the child needs it to, and is supposed to teach a child appropriate ways to calm down, reflect, and analyze.

Discipline means to teach, not to punish. It certainly seems like Time-In should do a better job of that. But for a child that's already not listening, will asking them to have a Time-In really make a difference? I can't force a kid to sit on a pillow and shake a snow globe. Then that's just a cushy Time-Out with toys, isn't it? Either way, Time-Outs are not effective at correcting this behavior at this time and I do not wish to waste any more energy on it. The smug satisfaction a caregiver feels when they've "won" by successfully enforcing punitive discipline tactics pushing the child to the point where he or she gives up, cries, and obeys, is not the sort of relationship I want with my kids. Ever. I'll let you know soon enough if this works out.

Milk vs Juice

I drink water. A cool glassful on it's own, or often I'll add a frozen lemon wedge or a squirt of lemon juice. It's so refreshing! It's the perfect drink to rehydrate or accompany any meal. I rarely drink anything else. (Except my guilty pleasure of chocolate milk.) So, naturally I want Tesla to drink water too. And she does! But I think that she needs some liquid calories too.

My pediatrician recommended she drink no more than 16 oz of milk a day, (or 2 cups if you understand metric better.) He made no mention of what she should drink at other times and we never talked about juice.

I was doing some research online and from multiple sites I read that children should drink unlimited amounts of milk and water, but only 4-6 oz of 100% juice. They claim that juice has too much sugar and too many calories compared to milk and that drinking sugary drinks all the time can fill their little bellies leaving not enough room for real food. Also, the more sugary drinks a child has per day, the more likely the child will be obese.

For the past month, Tesla has been drinking:
10 oz of 3% milk a day
5 oz of Bolthouse Farms 100% fruit juice smoothie (assorted varieties) and
5 oz of Bolthouse Farms 100% Carrot juice daily.

She eats 4 meals a day, so at each meal I offer a cup of milk or juice to drink and the rest of the time she has water. I see milk and juice as a supplement to the meal. She's been drinking her food for her whole life, so I see milk and juice as an extension of that. She can quickly and easily get some of the calories and nutrition she needs without having to spend all that extra time in her high chair.

But I still can't wrap my head around why milk is "healthier" than juice. Why should I cut out one of her juices and replace it with milk? Honestly, I don't believe one is necessarily better than the other. They both have their place. Yes, the juice has twice as much sugar, but it's natural sugar she would have eaten anyway had I fed her all the ingredients in the juice raw.

I think the reason why whole milk is pushed over juice is because A) Dairy is a made up food group that we don't need to consume, but it happens to employ a lot of people and many people make a profit off dairy farming, and B) there is fat in milk and infants and toddlers require a high fat diet for proper growth and development, but so many children exist on carbohydrates, their milk is the only thing they consume that has fat in it.

Tesla eats a high fat diet just like her parents do. The only foods we have trouble getting her to eat are non-starchy vegetables. (She tries a bite or two, but usually just spits it out.) She'll eat them if they're mixed into her omelet, or blended into a drink or smoothie though. It just makes sense for me to give her 100% fruit and vegetable juice. She doesn't need more milk.

Raising a primal baby is so much harder than raising a SAD baby. When she's bugging me for a pre-dinner snack, I can't just throw some goldfish crackers or a cheerios into a bowl to distract her. Any of the acceptable foods to give her are either messy or a choking hazard, except for a stick of cheese, but sometimes she's already had cheese, so there's a fine line between how many ounces of cheese I want her to eat in a day. Filling up a sippy cup with 100% Orange-Carrot juice... vitamin A, vitamin C, fiber, potassium... that's pretty quick and easy for an appetizer and damn nutritious too.

As she gets older the juice will be less necessary because she'll be eating more well rounded. I don't think I'm making her at risk for being obese by feeding her twice the daily recommended limit for juice. She's tall and her weight is average, plus we brush her teeth every day. She eats a hell of a lot better than most other kids I've met, and she eats more variety too.
Only time will tell if I'm making a good, healthy choice for my daughter.

Elmo Singing With The Stars

I saw this DVD in the bargain bin at Superstore. It was $9 and I thought, this might be okay for the daycare kids. I've yet to meet a child that dislikes Elmo and there were some pretty famous artists singing on this DVD, so maybe I might like it too.

I popped it in today after lunch for the kids. I laughed hysterically through much of the video. The 3 year old kept asking what I was laughing about and I had tears in my eyes. I don't know what it was, but it was just so funny to me. I could be losing my mind.

Almost all the songs were parodies, but there was one song by Ricky Gervais that I laughed really hard at.


Just awesome! I also really enjoyed My Triangle by James Blunt.


And REM's Furry Happy Monsters was pretty good too.


Other artists I either enjoyed or laughed really hard at because I couldn't believe they were being parodied were Goo Goo Dolls, N'Sync, Destiny's Child, Fiest, and Alicia Keys. I was excited Adam Sandler was one of the artists, but his bit wasn't very good. And it ended kind of weird too, like he was trying to get away from Elmo.

This DVD was well worth the $9 and I'm so glad I bought it! It's so hard to find age appropriate music for kids that's complex sounding. So many kids tunes are just sort of simple and silly if you know what I mean. It's repetitive in an annoying way, or it's just boring to listen to. Sometimes when I put on the Galaxie Kids Stuff station I hear a good song or two, but most of it is just meh.

I'd be curious to find out if there are any children's music artists working in the rock, alternative, or indy genres. Most kids songs are too bubblegum pop for me. Is there a market for children's speed metal? The thought of it makes me giggle. I should send out fan letters to unsuspecting artists and ask them to write a children's song for me.

This blog is getting off topic now. I'll leave on that note.
To be continued....

Oven-Baked Babies

A toddler in Edmonton died after being left alone in a hot car. He didn't actually die in the car, but later in hospital. The car was locked when police arrived and when they pulled him out the temperature outside was above 30 degrees Celsius. That blows my mind. How hot and stuffy do you think it was inside that car?

It's so easy for children to fatally overheat. They don't have the sweat glands adults do and can't cool down their bodies. A lot of times they can't even tell you that they're dehydrated. Leaving the window down a crack doesn't help pets or kids. It's just wrong and plain ignorant to leave them unattended in a car no matter what the weather and no matter what the errand!

Growing up, I spent lots of time waiting in the car while my mom or dad ran in to get something. My mom would do it when I was older, like 11, so there weren't as many risks there. Except maybe being abducted, but the chances of that happening are pretty low, especially if the doors are all locked.

My Dad however, is a different story. He'd drive over to the bar in Richer, buy a big bag of cherries from the BC Fruit stand and I would sit in the truck alone with the window rolled down to spit out the pits while Dad went in to buy a case of beer, (and also drink some beer and probably play pool.) It always seemed like he was gone a long time, but it couldn't have been more than hour. I was much younger... maybe 8 or 9, sometimes my little sister was with me. We could have been abducted for sure, but with the windows all the way down and the cherries to eat, I doubt we would have gotten heat stroke. It did get pretty hot in that truck and I remember feeling very thirsty!

I can't imagine doing that with Tesla. You'd think times have changed since when we were young, but when so many kids are dying while waiting for their parents in a locked car, it really makes you wonder if our society has learned anything at all. With all the improvements we've made to car seats, cribs, and laws regarding kids wearing proper helmets and safety gear, how is it that there are still kids today dying from being over heated? We have plenty of fresh water, air conditioning, fancy strollers, and yet children die in hot cars. Are the parents just too lazy to bring them into the supermarket with them?

Yes, it would be easier to leave Tesla in the car while I run into the bank quick, but you don't have children to make your life easier. If you feel safe enough to leave your kid alone in the car, maybe just leave your kid at home alone instead. (I don't think it's safe to leave a 3 year old home alone though.)

I'm just going to throw this out there, though I really shouldn't have to: If you have a kid or pet in your care... don't leave him or her in the car alone. If you are in a parking lot and you spot a dog or a child alone in the car, break the window and call police. It's not illegal if you're doing it to save a child or animal's life. You don't know how long it's going to take the police to come, that's why you always break the window first. Otherwise a forgotten child could die waiting for help.

Lay Off Barbie Already!

Barbie dolls are always getting shit on. People just love to make "real" versions of her and compare her to normal women like this site about eating disorders. Apparently playing with Barbies makes young girls feel bad about their body image. Apparently they've done studies and tests and Barbies are controlling the minds of tweens and younger!

Growing up, I loved playing with Barbies. I had many, many Barbie dolls and lots and lots of clothes. My friends and I had so much fun and would play for hours. Not once did Barbie make me want to diet. Not once did Barbie make me think I was fat. She was just a toy that I played with. Look at some of the other dolls out there today compared to Barbie.

Barbie, Bratz, and Monster High

They all look deformed. At the top we have World Barbies and then at the far right, a more traditional looking Barbie. At the bottom we have Bratz dolls and Monster High dolls. At least Barbie has a friendly face and doesn't look like she's got an attitude problem.

Cabbage Patch kids don't look like real kids. Not all of the Disney princesses are realistic looking either. Lalaloopsy dolls are pretty freaky looking. Polly Pocket looks kind of normal, but the eyes, head, and feet look a little too big compared to the body.

Lalaloopsy Dolls

The only realistic dolls I could find were ones of babies. Unrealistic looking toys are what children play with. Remember all that fake, plastic food we used to pretend to cook and eat? It hasn't gotten any more realistic looking. Maybe kids would eat more vegetables if they had realistic fake salad to play with?

Barbie isn't the problem. Barbie isn't turning our little girls into anorexics. It starts with moms and dads. Moms and dads should promote a healthy lifestyle in front of their kids and exhibit healthy eating and exercise habits. They should also watch what they say around their kids regarding dieting and poor body image. I hate it when Bob comments on other people's weight or appearance on TV. I don't want Tesla to grow up hearing that message from her parents. She doesn't know he's making a (rude) joke or being sarcastic.

Children hear things and internalize it without fully knowing what it means at the time. I was babysitting a girl, about 10, one summer and the song Short Skirt Long Jacket by Cake was really popular. She was watching the music video and she said to me, Hey I should be taking notes. She wasn't kidding. I was in high school at the time and didn't think to explain to her that one song does not define what every man on the planet thinks is sexy and shouldn't define how she feels about herself. Christ, I was still trying to figure that out for myself!

But I think kids with high self-esteem are going to be less affected by pop songs and sexualized dolls and whatever else demonic that's out there because they like who they are. One of the many jobs of parents is to help their kids feel confident and good about themselves and promote good health.

I like what Barbie promotes. She doesn't wear heavy make-up. She's well traveled and very adventurous. She loves girly things like clothes and hair, but she also very athletic and plays a wide range of sports. She's a professional, dabbling in medicine, teaching, and cooking. She loves animals. On top of it all, she happens to be thin and has ties to royalty.

The Bratz dolls "have a passion for fashion" and the Monster High dolls are freaky looking high school students that are actually monsters and live among humans? I know a 7 year old that plays with these dolls. That seems way more inappropriate than Barbie in my opinion.

If a little girl doesn't want to become Barbie, she'll probably wish she was a Bratz doll, or a Monster High doll, or a Polly Pocket, or a Strawberry Shortcake, or a princess, or a fairy, or a mermaid, or a witch at Hogwarts... I remember wishing and wishing that I could grow up and be a boy. I wanted to look like a boy and I wished for boy parts. I'm not sure what got fucked up in my childhood to make me think that way, but it worked itself out by puberty. Today I am proud to be a woman and I don't dream of having a sex change and my body image is totally normal. No eating disorders or cross dressing for me!

A boy at my daycare wants to be like The Hulk. Oh no! What if he grows up wanting to be a body builder?! How will he feel when he realizes it's unlikely he'll ever be that muscular and tall and green? What if he takes steroids to achieve his desired results? Ban all Superhero toys! Our boys' body images are at stake!

So stupid right?

Mother Who Regretted Having Kids

Maybe it's because I'm off living in Ma-Ma Land, but I keep seeing references to this article a woman wrote about how she regrets having children and how they're the biggest mistake of her life. You can read the original article by Isabella Dutton here at the Mail Online.

Obviously making such a bold statement is going to draw a crowd and evoke some powerful emotions, so here's my two cents.

To fully understand, you need to read Dutton's article, so just go and do that now if you haven't click on the link already. Some people are calling her selfish and some people are calling her brave. I think Dutton is neither, (though it does take guts to publish an article like that!)

After reading the article I thought, here is a woman who has never stood up for herself. Here is a woman who has never followed her dreams and who has never done anything in her life to make herself happy. For some reason this woman felt the need to sacrifice her life for other people's lives and now 3 decades later she's finally speaking up. Too little too late lady.

You can't devote your life to your family and then at the end complain about how you never got to do the things you always wanted to do. You can't complain about how other people influenced your life choices so much so that you felt you had no choices. The only person holding a gun to Isabella Dutton's head was Dutton herself.

I love children and I love my daughter. She brings me joy and spending time with her is fun for me. My daycare kids are my other little side family. They make me laugh and taking care of them is a labor of love as well. Kids are also frustratingly, obnoxious bugs who drive me barking mad and make me want to squish them, but I do love them and I'm glad they're here on Earth. I would never trade them in for a quiet day at the seaside, or a peaceful stroll through a park.

Children are not for everyone. I deeply respect people who say they don't want children and follow through with it because they are making the best choice for them and the world. To say you don't want children and then marry a man who does and give him children to make him happy is outrageous! Don't marry someone who has different life goals from you!

Dutton's life was compromised, not by her children, but by her own decisions. She has every right to talk about it, write about it, and share her story so maybe some other self-pitying woman doesn't make the same mistakes as her, but at what cost to her children? They are people with feelings and a life to lead too. Though I'm sure it's never been a secret how Dutton truly feels about her children. She claims they never noticed her coolness toward them, but children are like spiders and definitely noticed over the years due to their child-like spidey-senses.

Even in her golden years, Dutton cares for her adult daughter with MS. This lady can't catch a break and she still isn't doing anything to empower herself. I'm so glad I'm opinionated and headstrong and determined to create my own destiny. When I encounter problems in my life I seek ways to solve or eliminate those problems instead of finding ways to work around them. There's a time to fight and a time to bow down. When making a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life you need to fight for what you believe in. Your best advocate is yourself.