Friday, January 31, 2014


I remember believing in a lot of different things when I was very young. I was spiritual and superstitious as many children are. Humans are constantly searching for meaning where none exists, attaching worth to unworthy events. As a person who adamantly denies the existence of god, I find it strange how I'm reverting back to foolish, childhood ways.

The thing with the oatmeal yesterday; it's a coincidence. Or is it? We hardly ever eat oatmeal.
While Grandma lays on her deathbed, the woman whose kids I look after is about to have her baby any day now. The circle of life.
A bunch of things with batteries in them have died or are starting to die in my house, including Tesla's mobile which is very creep to listen to now.
When I went to get Tesla out of bed this morning, she was talking in her demonic voice, saying "Die!" over and over again, like she randomly sometimes does. I asked her if GiGi was going to die and she didn't answer, or give me any hints. Then I felt like an idiot for thinking she might know something I didn't.

But that's what humans do. We keep vigilant watch, looking for signs where there are none.

Long goodbyes are not my thing. I feel like I've been saying goodbye to Grandma for half a year already. Nothing's been the same since she broke her leg in the summer and the lung cancer was discovered. She hasn't really been herself and she's been in a lot of pain. I just want her to be free from that. To ask her to stay any longer would be for selfish reasons.

I could see her struggling to stay awake last night. Her breathing wasn't always even. I've been finding it hard to breathe too. Daroll said, don't feel like you need to stay awake. You can go back to sleep if you want to. But she stayed awake, with a hint of a smile. I think she really wanted to see us and enjoy her family surrounding her. Maybe that will be the last time we're all together like that.

For selfish reasons, I hope we get one more time.

No comments:

Post a Comment