Thursday, January 30, 2014


My Grandma hasn't got much time left. I got the call today that she's got fluid in her lungs, her morphine has been upped and she won't make it through too many more days. I called Bob at work, asking him to come home so we could go visit Grandma, and he did.

Mom and Daroll were there. My sister and her boyfriend were there. My uncle was there too, but not my aunt or cousins. We just hung around the room, watching Grandma sleep and let Tesla be our ice breaker. At one point I left the room to go get some crayons for Tesla and she started crying so loud that Grandma actually woke up.

Daroll came to find me I ran down the hall back to the room. Grandma was smiling. She was so happy to see everyone, and a little surprised too. We all hugged and kissed her, told her we loved her and just enjoyed her company. Tesla was overtired, so we were the first to leave, but it was nice having an excuse. I could have stayed there all night. Grandma was awake to say goodbye.

I told her about how Tesla and I had oatmeal for supper, I was thinking of her, and it was shortly afterward that we got the call from Daroll. I said it was just funny how that worked out and Grandma just smiled and held my hand and said she knew why that would be funny to me. (Grandma misses having her oatmeal for breakfast every morning and she knows I've always associated oatmeal with her.)

Tesla made her smile the most, pointing at her and saying GiGi and just being her usual cute self.

I thought I would cry more, but I really didn't cry at all. I just used one tissue. I didn't even feel like crying. I was just glad I got to see Grandma awake and she knew who we all were and could hold up a conversation. If I were on my deathbed, I wouldn't want my family to stand around crying over me, so I guess that's why I put on a happy face and tried to smile as much as I could.

Everything I've ever wanted to say to her has been said. There's no guilt or remorse or grudges. The time we have left together is so pure and I am so fucking lucky! I have the best grandmother anyone could have asked for. There are nothing but happy memories of her etched into my brain. Memories like the oatmeal that I've shared with her so many times before.

When she goes, it will hurt to lose someone I love so much, but on the other hand, it won't hurt because I know she'll have died happy. She's lived a life so full of friendship, love, and adventure, I hope my golden years are even a fraction as exciting as hers have been.

I finally started sobbing once I was buckling Tesla up in her car seat. This strange depression washed over me. I felt ill. I felt like I needed a drink because I had the worst migraine, so we stopped at the liquor mart to buy some booze. Bob has to work extra hours tomorrow, but I plan to go visit Grandma again. I don't know if seeing her will be harder or easier the second time, but I've stocked up on liquor either way.

When Grandma's life ends, mine will go on and that makes me feel weird. Nobody close to me has ever died before. I want to make the world stop spinning, if only for a minute, so everyone can pause and admire my grandmother's wonderful life. A woman who is 89.25 years old deserves at least that.

If you are reading this and you have a grandparent still alive, you should go over for a visit.

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